Salem's Sanity

Moments in history — Obama on Afganistan troops withdrawal

2011-06-23T17:15:00.004-04:00

This seemed like a good time to update this blog with a new post.

At times it is hard to believe how long it has been since 9/11 and the war in Iraq began. When I was in a classroom at high school as the Twin Towers at the World Trade Center were attacked, I never would have thought today I would be a reporter helping document history. I think many people my age won't forget that moment, but how we have progressed since then is also interesting. We have had rather divisive national politics, but under dire circumstances we know our nation is united. Also, whether you support or don't support President Obama getting elected, it was another historic moment and one I won't forget.

Then, on top of the moments mentioned, we have the death of Osama bin Laden, which was another feat our country has accomplished. When I sit back and think about everything I've witnessed during my life it is rather remarkable. There are even more moments, positive and negative, I've seen but it would take too long to list. If you're reading this, you probably lived through all those moments too.

I didn't get to see the president live last night (I actually saw a movie screening for free), so if you were like me I'd take a minute to watch the video of his speech unless you already did before reading this post.

Typical Tuesday diet

2011-01-12T01:52:00.000-05:00

In response to my previous entry about the not-so-great diet of my journalism lifestyle I thought it would be funny, in some aspect, to what my meals actually consisted of today.

Breakfest:

Coffee (w/ cream and sugar of course)
Little Debbie brownie

Lunch:

Leftover chinese food

sesame chicken
pork fried rice
three steamed dumplings

Water

Dinner

Another coffee (this time Dunkin Donuts)
Chocolate glazed doughnut

There you have it folks, the diet of my pre-deadline day morning on Wednesday. Honestly, it doesn't usually differ too much from something like this on a Tuesday. Then on Wednesday morning I will usually get a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on a hard roll with a coffee from the local market by my office. I need something to get me going that morning.

Oh, and digging my car out of the snow tomorrow morning will also be a welcomed joy.

A Journalist's New Years Resolution

2011-01-08T13:28:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading the Columbia Journalism Review's story "The Hamster Wheel" that any journalist or someone who is interested in how their news is selected should read. The 24/7 news cycle and technology growth is truly shaping the news industry, but the media often times is just not accepting the evolution. Any reporter and journalism student know that fact.

This led me to hop onto their website, after carefully holding the print edition, where I stumbled across their blurb Media New Year's Resolutions. I think the first paragraph just rings so true.

No point giving up dark chocolate, red wine, or blacker-than-black coffee. We’re journalists. We’d last a week. Max.

If I've learned one thing about being a reporter, it is your diet tends to suffer. There is a mix of rapid fast food stops and coffee binges, while puffing done another cigarette to make it through the day. I think if I had a resolution it would be to not eat so, well, unhealthy. Oh, and maybe get some more sleep, but that might be asking for too much.

I'm sure some of my problems are my own fault. Procrastination has been an ongoing problem for me. I'll never forget taking one of those tests online and coming up with the status "severe procrastinator," but the results are always the same for me. I'm not sure why I am this way, but I think I have been making some stride in that category.

Making a New Year's resolution though I now view as a curse. I never am able to keep any resolution I make, so in many ways I think it is damning to make it in the first place. In some superstitious way, I don't want to damn myself in an area I want to make an improvement. For instance, last year my resolution was to take better care of my teeth, which my dentist was pleased to hear. Well, lets just say that didn't turn out quite how I planned.

Well, I already had some coffee, chocolate and a cigarette today, so I think I am off to a pretty nice start.

Bill Zeller suicide note

2011-01-07T15:10:00.000-05:00

I happened to just stumble upon this story on Gizmodo and new as soon as I read it I would have to share it here to make sure everyone got the chance to read the suicide note Bill Zeller wrote.

To spare going into detail, it is a rather powerful and emotional piece of writing. I think anything someone writes in a suicide note probably would be, but Zeller really takes the time to explain his reasoning for taking his life. For a little background, he said he was sexually abused when he was a child and that stuck with him throughout his life, which caused him basically to never live a normal life.

Click here for Gizmodo story

Hopefully if others feel this way they can find something to help them out.

Let it snow

2010-11-08T17:20:00.000-05:00

I might be one of the few people that actually enjoy the first snowfall. With many people it seems to instill dread of the upcoming season, but I always seemed to enjoy the coming of season.

Even though I do snowboard now, though I didn't go last year, I enjoyed the snow without the board under my feet. Sure, as a child I loved the first time I would get to go sledding or jump in my snow-filled backyard. There always seemed to be something magical about snow and the ironic warmth it would bring to me. Now that I'm older I do think back on all the good memories I had sloshing through the snow.

Who doesn't remember watching a local broadcast news station during the morning hours before school to find out it was a snow day? Those were one of the best days any kid can have growing up. The freedom to know that on one blistery cold day you could escape the school day and just be a kid again. I have to say, I wish I still got snow days in the working world, but I had to pick the one profession that never stops for anything. At least I love what I do.

As my peers seem to let out cries against the white fluff on social sites, I can only share my excitement. Sure, there are things that aren't great, but I think every season has its ups and downs. To me, it just makes more sense to embrace the positive aspect. I'm not some happy-go-lucky person either, as many people will tell you, but for something you have no control over you might as well try to enjoy it if you can.

The snow ushers in many good things, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. I enjoy seeing all the Christmas lights around nearby towns and cities. There is a festive atmosphere in the winter that just isn't in any other season. You remember the family you have and the family members that are no longer around, but still in your thoughts. It is really about the good times.

When you look at the snow maybe you will see at as more than just white powder, or maybe you'll just be pissed you have to shovel out your car. Either way, cheers to the start of another winter.

You're at the right place

2010-10-03T23:50:00.000-04:00

This blog used to be "You're Famous When You're Dead," but after trying to decide what to do with Salem's Sanity (the old one) and YFWYD I decided to just make this blog the new Salem's Sanity.

All of the old posts from YFWYD are still on here and I don't plan to move all the old Salem's Sanity posts to here. They had there relevance at a time, but I don't see the point in transferring all of them over to this blog. What I used this blog for will still remain the same, with some possible album reviews and other news related opinion pieces. To not have a conflict, I don't plan to write any opinion pieces on things I cover for the newspaper I work at, but maybe some national news items would be okay.

I think most people reading this blog also read what used to be Salem's Sanity and there is a post on that site explaining everything, so I'll spare writing too much here.

I'm still working on revamping the design of this blog, so it might change more over time. I'll try to update it more often too. Hopefully I can at least write one post a week.

Pondering the WoW side of life

2010-05-29T20:00:00.002-04:00

For a while now I've been debating to purchase World of Warcraft. During college I knew I couldn't play it. I've heard the horror stories when people went that route. Besides, I think I know my own limits. I played Call of Duty a ton, but I still managed to graduate with honors — so, you can game and be successful.

Since I've graduated college I've been looking for a job for several months and gaming often has came back into the picture. I guess I just feel like I am accomplishing something when I play video games, but in reality I am not really accomplishing anything tangible. There are many other things I could be doing, such as actually updating my blogs. Lately, I've been trying to find ways to get paid for writing I do. I did find a few avenues for that, so updating blogs almost seemed like a waste of time.

Now the real question seems to be whether I should finally allow myself to play WoW. I always try to weigh the pros and cons of situations. The biggest con seems to be my girlfriend would probably be extremely pissed at me. For the most part, that has kept me from thinking about it. Also, the reccuring monthly fee isn't something I am crazy about either. I am spoiled cause I play PS3 online for free while other people pay fees for Xbox, but that is a whole different debate.

Do I really take the jump? The desire to play WoW seems to be more of an impulsive thing for me. After a little while I don't care as much anymore to play the game. I don't think I have ever really been addicted to a game or gaming either. If I was addicted to gaming then how did I graduate college? I think that would have been impossible.

Yes, I play video games more than I might like to admit, but does anything really negative come out of it? I'm sure there is probably something, but nothing overly drastic yet. I just find it to be a very relaxing and stimulating hobby. I guess that is why it has overtaken many of my other hobbies. I have an addictive personality at times, so that is why I should have never started smoking.

Well, I don't really want to play WoW anymore, now that I took the time to write all this. I guess I should play the games I have for PS3 first, because I still have games that are unopened. Sometimes I just can't pass up a good deal, because there is always some time in the future I am sure I can fit it in.

Actually, I think a part of me still wants to play it.

Atomic Fallout Wildlife

2010-01-21T11:20:00.009-05:00

This morning I watched a really cool documentary on HD Theater called "Chernobyl: Life in the Dead Zone." I would have never thought there was still a great deal of wildlife thriving in the aftermath of the nuclear power plant explosion.

Someone seems to have posted the video on YouTube broken into several parts, so I thought I would post the first part of the video here for you to check out if you can't watch it on television. Of course there are probably torrents of the video out there too.

The cats are so damn cute in this movie. All the animals are really interesting to watch. They decide to follow a few different animals, so you get to see how each lives out their life. At times different animals they are following cross paths too.

Only complaint I have is they really don't show any of the animals killing other animals. That surprised me. It just seems odd that they show a lot of footage about an animal, but skip over the most dramatic stuff. Still, the documentary held my interest even when I had to wait for the commercial breaks.

Does this thing ever get updated?

2010-01-19T02:08:00.003-05:00

My problem seems to be that I don't find the time or effort to write and update my blogs. Before it was college and then it was the internship and now it is the job search. Also, I very rarely do anything on the internet in the summer...I like to think of it as my digital vacation. You should try taking an extended break or drastic reduction of time from the digital world. It is really rather refreshing.

In the beginning of winter I found myself in a sort of gloomy state. It probably didn't help that during my internship I was in the Empire State Plaza Concourse in an office that had no windows. As the air grew colder the amount of sunlight I saw shrunk. When I walked to work I saw the sunrise and when I left work I saw the sunset. Of course a few smoking breaks I would take outside, but those were really minimal times outside at best.

Then my anxiety seemed to worsen slowly as my internship ended. I'm not totally sure of all the reasons why, but I think I know a few of them. It is hard to really convey to someone else what it is like to live with an anxiety disorder — something that you struggle to control. I've said before that sometimes I just wish I was normal and didn't have to deal with it, but then I remind myself that I could be far worse off and to be thankful for all the positive things in my life I do have.

How this all relates to writing, I don't know. I wish I did more of it. A lot more of it. I should probably do what Howie Good said in class before — set aside a designated time to write each day and all you can do is write for the full amount of time. It would probably do me some good. There are just so many other distractions and things to do that it can be hard to focus. Also, as a journalist I tend to do a lot of writing anyway, but not writing that is really for me.

I really miss writing poetry, but a part of me feels that I just can't do it anymore. The driving force that was there before just doesn't seem to be there anymore. I'm not really sure why, but that just seems to be the way it is. I'm sure I could change this, but I have never been when to force writing. I just did it when it came to me and maybe that is the problem. I might need to coax the writing essence to come out of me a little more than I do currently.

It just seems to be such a damn busy world out there.

The Loss of a Loved One

2009-09-28T08:25:00.004-04:00

When my grandfather on my Dad's side passed away it was truly tough, because I had never dealt with the loss of someone I was close to before. That was less than two years ago now. It seems like yesterday in some ways. Now, my grandmother on my Dad's side has passed away. It all seemed to happen very fast.

My Mother's parents passed away before I was ever born, so I never met them. Now, both of my Dad's parents have passed away, so now I have no living grandparents. That is a really weird feeling. I didn't really expect it to happen this soon. They both passed away while I was at New Paltz, even though now I am in Albany doing my internship currently. Both of them were so proud of me for going to college and getting as far as I have gotten. I wish they both could have seen me graduate, because they have truly been a big inspiration for me. I would always think of them when the going got tough. I got strength through them. I don't think that is going to change either.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this entry. I just felt like something needed to be said. It doesn't seem to get that much easier to deal with even though I have went through it once before. It took me a little while to go through the motions last time, but I feel like I am mentally dealing with it a little sooner this time. It just didn't seem real when it happened last time. This time I saw my grandmother in the hospital hours before she passed away.

I'm glad she opened her eyes and saw me before I left. I don't think I will ever forget that moment. There was just something powerful shared between us without her even saying anything. Now it is just how I move on from this loss, but I will have to figure that out as I go along.

Getting Thrown Into the Deep End

2009-09-13T19:32:00.004-04:00

The first week of my journalism internship is over and the second week is going to start tomorrow. It was a rather sticky and unusual first week. No orientation — no introduction. Just start typing and get going on some stories. Made for an interesting first week.

I never thought on my first day I would be calling up Assemblymen and starting to type out a story, but it was rather interesting. Later I found out the desk I choose that day would be mine for the rest of the semester. That is okay I guess, because I do like where I am sitting, although, I feel it slightly isolates me from the editors. Random how where you sit really affects your daily work life. I get selected, well, never, to do any stories that arise. I have to go to my editors and ask for more work. I think that will change soon, but maybe not? Maybe it doesn't have to do with where I am sitting either?

The cafeteria in the concourse, though, has pretty damn good food. I've said it is even the best meal I eat all day. Might be a little more costly, but I think it is worth it. Guess I just got to see how my expenses start to sort out as time goes on. On a side note, I wouldn't mind getting HDTV too. I think it is only like $10 more a month — but I digress. So far I am still trying to not have that much caffeine, so that is hard at times. I just have to make sure I get enough sleep every night and I am usually pretty good. Still got my cigarettes.

I already know one story I am going to be working on next week and I am really excited about it. So far, I haven't seen any other news source covering the story I am working on. Should be pretty cool if it stays that way and I get my story out first. I wouldn't be surprised if other news sources then followed me.

I hope your summer was good everyone, but now it is time to get back to work.

In Order to Express

2009-07-29T01:32:00.004-04:00

I know why
I write —
my tears need
someplace to fall.

My love
doesn’t look pretty
typed out.

You don’t want
to hear me love —
it wouldn’t hold
your interest.

My pain
bleeds vivacious beauty
typed out.

The moment
for words
is during nothingness.

I need words
when everything fails
to help me cope.

I’ll take a sip
and then write
some more misery.

It needs to get out.

Sand on State Street?

2009-07-27T20:58:00.004-04:00

Here is a quick but late update I meant to post a little while ago. Well, at least I should have posted it. I did tweet it on my twitter account. It is amazing what you can do with "phones" these days.

This was the same night and event that I talked about in the previous post where I uploaded the fireworks video. I'm still not sure what the event was called.

Teaser: I will write about the amazing apartment I am going to rent in Albany with Dylan. I really need to get some pictures up here so everyone can see it!

First iPhone Video

2009-07-20T16:48:00.003-04:00

Well, I get my iPhone 3G S for my birthday at the beginning of July and I have been highly enjoying it. Since it deterred me from playing my PS3 for a while you know it has to be good. I might do another post about the iPhone later, but since I have been lax with updating both my blogs I thought I would share this video with everyone that hadn't already seen it.

Feel free to subscribe to my YouTube channel too. I don't have that many videos posted, but I think I might try to update it a little bit from time to time since I can capture things on my iPhone.

I hope everyone has been enjoying their summer!

I Meet Him at a Bar

2009-06-29T15:25:00.008-04:00

I was out at the bars a couple nights ago with Dylan and it turned out rather good. First we were at Bomber's in Schenectady, but it was way too damn crowded. I had to bounce from that place. An overly crowded bar is not really my thing. Seriously, about 30 people walked in right before me and Dylan were finished eating our tacos (I always forget to say no sour cream). It wouldn't have been too bad if a mass of people didn't just show up together.

Moving on, so we were deciding were to go and I figured we could go to Manhattan Exchange. It is a slightly more upscale bar then the rest of the ones we normally go to in Schenectady. The nice thing there is that you know it isn't going to get overly crowded, usually has a nice atmosphere, there are HD TV's and free freshly popped popcorn. Sounds good, right?

Me and Dylan weren't sitting there too long before a friendly conversation started with two guys in their early 30's. Long story short, I found out that the one guy, Matt, was really into metal music. He got to talking to me and ended up giving me three CD's that he burned of bands he liked. So far, I have only listened to the first one and I am in love with this band — Kylesa. They kick some major ass and remind of a style similar to Mastodon. Oh, and one of the guitarists is a chick — that totally kicks ass (hence picture).

Who would have thought that I would meet a dude at the bar that gives me three CDs, oh, and he bought me and dylan a shot of Jameson. Pretty cool dude.

Now, should I be worried that he wanted my number and I gave it to him?

The Summer Dilemma

2009-06-09T04:23:00.002-04:00

It seems like whenever it is the summer I get faced with the same thing — I don't get anything constructive done.

I don't know why, but I don't seem to ever want to do anything. Right now my main concern is just trying to find I job. That is a huge pain in the ass. Even though I am about to graduate with a BA in journalism I probably still won't be "qualified" enough for a job behind a register. Every job I have ever gotten was cause I knew someone. I never really got hired for just me. That seems to be the way the world goes — you gotta know someone. Then again, if you know nobody, that might say something about your social skills. Oh well, whatever.

I have a lot of little things that I want to get done this summer. This happens every summer during the last few years. I got books I want to read, games to beat, songs to finish, bands to start and other various hobbies to pursue. Usually, barely any of it gets one (well the video game one probably will). Damn, now I can't even find my lighter. Okay, it was right next to the keyboard. Time to smoke.

One thing I do a lot during the summer though is drink. I'm not really sure why this happens. I don't get sloshed every night (actually, rarely ever), but I do drink almost every night. Usually around 3-4 beers over a few hours. During college I drank like once a week. Now, this happens pretty much every summer the last few years, but it is kinda weird. At least my tolerance gets built up I suppose?

Even doing things like writing in this blog never seem to get done. Maybe I take it too seriously. That could be a problem. I just take too many things too seriously. Or maybe I am lazy. But how I am lazy if I am about to graduate from college. I do procrastinate — I know that.

I'm pretty sure my credit score must be horrible.

After Seeing a Picture...

2009-06-09T04:04:00.000-04:00

A huge straight edge tattoo across your upper chest...really?

I'm sorry, but in my book that is pretty lame.

Typewriter Ramble #2

2009-03-31T02:59:00.002-04:00

THE GONZO'S FEAR & LOATHING: REFLECTIONS ONE HAS YET TO KNOW

The air is cold, as it suggests for me to continue down the path I have yet to see. Still, I must continue — the scent is drawing me in. Closer I walk as the leaves from strangled trees wave past my eyes. Silently I sing a lullaby that my mother would recite before she kissed my head. I fell asleep there as the colors stop to be what they were. They took on a whole new hue — one no person has ever seen. I was compelled to see the vibrancy at its fullest.

I only had to hope for what I thought it to be and then it would become something even I could not believe in. Yes, something that even a mother could not dream up to tell her child. That great truth we seek for out whole life, but maybe we can only find it in death?

In the silence we can hear everything that has yet to be heard — all those soft little sounds that come out of our true being. For it is screaming a scream that has never, not even once, been heard. THAT is the sad truth of it all.

Only if we could hear, truly hear, the first great truth to ever be known. Maybe the truth is already in the situation? That could be the truth and the only truth we could ever know.

3/2/2009

My Grand Life Goals (Round 1)

2009-03-01T23:56:00.000-05:00

I was asked to respond to this question in my Media Ethics course at SUNY New Paltz:

In his book, "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy," philosophy professor William Irvine says many people have trouble naming their grand goal in living. Do you? In other words, of the things in life you might pursue, which is the thing you believe to be most valuable?

Sharing my answer seemed like a suitable thing to post to this blog. Since this blog, in some regards, is another thing I use to utilize these goals. Check out what I had to say and feel free to leave me a comment that sums up how you feel about this question in regards to yourself.

The first thing I remember promising myself, was that I would not work for a 9-to-5 job in a cubicle. I didn’t want an office job. I wanted something with more adventure and creativity. I wanted something that I could express myself in order to do my job. I guess that is how, in turn, I feel into journalism, eventually.

Ever since my mid-teens I have had this feeling that I wanted to change the world. I always feel childish admitting this, but I feel like I was put on this earth to change the world, or at least to affect some part of it in a positive manner. There are just too many reasons for me not to believe that I have a strong purpose here. I just don’t want to bore you with the details about why I feel this way. It started out that I thought I could achieve this through poetry, but now I feel I have more chance to do this through journalism. Who knows, maybe there will be a poetry revival in the future. At least I hope there is one — even if I never get my poetry published.

Lastly, I have decided recently that I want to be remembered. I don’t think it is being famous that I want, but I do want to be remembered in the future. I would like to have my writing looked back upon with significance to our culture and life. Similar to how we look back and study these great writers, such as (insert your favorite writer here), I want to be reflected upon too. I want to leave my mark on the journalism and literary world. Then I could die a content man.

Typewriter Ramble #1

2009-02-28T21:47:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Dylan, who recently offered to give me a typewriter he had sitting around from some suburban garage sale many years back, I have acquired a typewriter. I guess Facebook truly can be a good social networking tool. I posted something to the effect, "John Purcell wants to get a typewriter," as my Facebook status. Shortly later Dlyan offered the gift. Who would've thunk it? I certainly didn't, but, thanks again!

Besides a new ribbon and maybe some small maintance it should be really set. I am not sure how to get the musty smell off it though. Even the paper I typed onto reeks of this musty smell. It is not the worst smell, though, kinda homey.

After a Gonzo Imperial Porter, Miller High Life and two White Russians (with extra vodka) I sat down with the typewriter at Dylan's house while other friends conversed around me. I am not sure what exactly I was going to write when I sat down, but I just wanted to nail out something. Whatever the typewriter made me feel — for better or worse.

This made me think that I might have certain reoccuring posts just be whatever I ramble out on the typewriter. Hence the name for this post, "Typewriter Ramble #1," so maybe there will be more in the future, but here is the first.

You have no heart ... he is the golden boy of your sick shit.

What does the boy want from his father? The golden goose of sincerity that grows under his father's pathetic job of regret. The man said yes to his offer, for he had nothing to hide from his son. He gave him the gold he desired and he didn't shed a tear. He was only full of hope for the future of his family — he could not see the scum bubbling into his mouth. Yes, the scum does rise.

The Journalist's Drug

2009-02-21T18:33:00.002-05:00

I feel in love with this video the first time I saw it. This one goes out to all the coffee drinkers out there...let us hope we don't slip into a coffee paranoia.

le Café - Oldelaf (english subtitles)
Uploaded by Boebis

You Gotta Feel It Man

2009-02-16T03:18:00.008-05:00

"Some days I just really feel like a journalist." -Me

That was something that just really got me thinking. Why do I feel more like a journalist on certain days? Does it have to do with something that happened to me? Is there something that angered or frustrated me? Does it have to do with what I have been reading or watching? Maybe it is what I choose to wear? Could it really just be in the coffee?

Hunter S. Thompson really sparks me, I do know that. It always helps to read/study/observe those you idle. Although, I do not want to be the next Hunter S. Thompson. That would be pretty foolish...cause who the fuck could really be him, shit!

Well, whatever the answer is, maybe a mixture of them all, it seems I just feel more like a journalist at certain times. I have been falling further and further into becoming my major — which I hope you know after that long rant — journalism. I am finding myself welcoming and embracing the thought of being a journalist. I guess I am getting the feeling that I have chosen what is right for me. My biggest fear is that I am not going to amount to something on a grand scale. Not that I want to be famous, I don't feel that is really the word I would be going for, nor what I am striving for. "Famous" seems to involve a lot of dirty, shoe licking and puss sucking. Being well known, or at least well respected within a certain group, is all I really am striving for.

"Book people drink tea — Journalists drink coffee...and sometimes alcohol."

I feel like that quote is probably a mixture of a few real quotes. I like to think I added the "and sometimes alcohol" to the quote first, but who knows. I am still amazed how the "old school" journalist could pound down coffee during the day and pound down their liquor even harder at night. Yeah, and this is like every day.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

The Restroom Entry

2009-01-26T14:40:00.003-05:00

Right now I am sitting in a public restroom. This is the first time I think I have ever been on my laptop in one...and much-the-less, actually had a WiFi connection. Sitting here, it seemed like a worthy moment to post an entry.

Let me tell you one thing — if you have a medium Red Bull and a small Latte and still cannot wake up, then you are in trouble. This is my case at the moment. Maybe 5 and a half hours of sleep is just not simply enough for me. Either way, I still have two more classes to go to and will not be out of here till 7:10 p.m. That three hour class is going to kill me.

One thing I have been noticing lately is that reading a book for leisure is hard to do. I don't think our culture is built to have leisure time for reading. While I do enjoy reading, it seems hard to just do, without having to fulfill some requirement/assignment for a class. I still have 10 pages left in Gonzo, that I have had for over a week now. Then I hope to read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" by you know who. If you don't know, well, you should, so shame on you. There really needs to be a course just on Hunter S. Thompson.

Okay, time to get off the throne and pull my pants up — I got me some college to go to.

I Spy A Messy Stench

2008-12-11T12:58:00.005-05:00

I am surprised it really took me this long to notice, but there was someone in one of my classes that came the closest to looking like Messy Stench that I have ever seen in person. First off, you are probably like who the hell is that — that is if you don't know me overly well. Even my parents know who she is, because of me. I think now I am more known for my Lindsey Lohan obsession, which is a shame, because Messy Stench is truly a more noble obsession. Then again, me and Lohan have the same birthday, so that is hot, right?

This realization I had during class reminded me of how much I used to be obsessed with Messy. I must say, in recent years I have been lacking in my obsession. Maybe it is since she seemingly has slipped off the radar a little bit. I have been waiting years for her to make a new calender by the way. That would make me so overly happy. Although, I should be getting the NerdCore calender this X-mass.

Still, Messy is probably the person I most adore. I would do anything to meet her in person and I still believe that somehow some day I will get to meet her. I would say it is one of my life goals. It also has crossed my mind that I don't know how I would react. How do you react to meeting someone you were obsessed with for about seven years? I think I would be speechless and maybe that would be for the best.

Awake For More Answers

2008-12-04T13:05:00.001-05:00

Gleams of light
shine through
the windowpane,
as night
disappears again
colors explode
from the bland scenery.

Lit a cigarette,
sip some
milk foam and coffee,
the pretentiousness
seeps through.

Been watching —
waiting till sunrise.

Trying not
to miss a beat,
headlines flash,
infomercials inspire,
atomic energy harvesting.

Maybe being asleep
isn’t too fruitless.

I close my eyes.

Wikipedia Test

2008-12-03T16:31:00.005-05:00

For a long time I wondered how long it would take Wikipedia to edit an addition I would make to an entry that was either utterly wrong or offensive. I am not sure it was the most ethical experiment, but it was an interesting one.

In less than 12 hours, I am not sure exactly how long it took, all of the additions I made to Wikipedia was edited out. Also, I received a warning about being banned permanently from the pages I was editing. The Christopher Columbus page I got temporarily banned from, till early December, which meant I could not edit it for a couple weeks. The other pages I am not sure of, because I would only make one crazy edit, so the punishment was not as severe. My answer for the most part, to the question of how is Wikipedia policed, seems to be rather diligently. This is not saying that pages are not biased and do not have errors, but at the least it seems the administrators of Wikipedia eliminate, rather fast, any "vandalism" to their pages. Who knew someone actually was an administrator on Wikipedia? That must be a pretty boring job and I wonder if they even get paid?

Professors always point out the fact that anyone can go in and edit it, which is valid and troublesome at times, but I am not sure how long an inaccurate edit will stay. Something that is just blatantly wrong or biased seems like it will be taken off in a short amount of time. That sort of levels the reliability of the information. The best thing I have found to use Wikipedia for is finding more information on a topic. At the end of an entry there are related links and links to cited information. This usually leads me to where I want to go, so while I don't use what is on it, often you can get pointed in the right direction.

I would like to further test the reliability of Wikipedia, but my account will eventually just get banned from making any edits if I continue. I would have to make more accounts and continue to make more edits to truly find out how Wikipedia works, but that is something I do not have the interest to do.

In the end, look at a real encyclopedia, because that is done by experts and not a kid in high school.

What Is My Scene?

2008-11-24T01:55:00.009-05:00

I just somehow ended up seeing Your Scene Sucks and it made me ponder the question, what scene am I really. I hope you are ready for a totally vain brainstorm from me and one I am not sure I expected to really have. It just posses some sort of question about how I really am and I guess that interests me.

First, you should probably look at the website after this, so that you have some idea of what I just talked about. I guess, for most of high school I would have been "Hot Topic Core," but there are still some flaws in their description when applied to me. I didn't wear those funny, text, "ironic" t-shirts. The pants are a given, for I just stopped wearing "parachute" pants about six months ago. Although, I believe the correct term for the pants would be "bondage" pants. Shit, the police even called them that before, or at least questioned me on why I said they were called that, but I digress. Yes, I had dyed spiked hair for a long time, but it was not "kool-aid-dyed" hair, because I am sorry, but that is really lame. I understand it is cheaper, but it looks like shit. No, I was serious and went to a salon to get it dyed. Now that I have tried nearly every color I gave up. It loses the thrill after you try everything, besides, I need to get a job pretty soon. Oh, and I would never have a "fake tattoo sleve," because once again that is lame. Sometimes decent, but usually lame. And another thing, I would never be wearing a him necklace or "Thunder Cats patch" ... that was not my thing.

This makes me conclude, or at least convince myself, that while I was on the border of "Hot Topc Core," I never really was truly it. I seem to be lacking at least 70 percent of the dress requirements. The music is what I feel most applied to me in the description. Then again, I didn't listen to Flogging Molly, Insane Clown Posse, or Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. That means I didn't listen to 60 percent of the music they listed, if my math is correct.

Now to the present, if I had to pick a scene that at least somewhat visually fits me, I would have to go with "Brootal Kid," but there is a lot wrong when applied to me. In fact, all of the visual elements I do not wear, but they are similar to what I wear. Apparently, Brootal Kids get bored of being emo and then switch to this. You know, there is actually some validity to this statement, but I don't think I was ever "emo."

Let me try to compile things from all of the scenes on the page to best create what I look like. Screw the descriptions for the categories, because I don't think I am poser and they only seem to really suit that. Other people might disagree, but I doubt must people would think I am poser. Fuck, I am weird, but not a poser.

My hair is like the Brootal Kid, but without all the shit to make it stick up and look nice. I am too lazy for that. Although, sometimes my head would fit into the Faux Hip Hop, because at times I do wear a fitted hat "with sticker intact." For the shirt I am going to go with Brootal Kid, because even though I don't have any "illegible band hoodies" I do have illegible band tees. I have a lot of Norma Jean shirts, but that isn't really brootal. My glasses would fall into "Prehistoric Emo" and so would my arms, because they are "tattoo-free." My pants mostly fit into Faux Hip Hop and actually do seem to look surprisingly like that with different color variations. I don't know why none of the categories have a pyramid belt in them, because I wear that every day for the most part. Also, my shoes seem to be lacking any category representation. Then again my shoes can very from skater brand to ADIDAS to huge boots, so not too sure there.

To sum it up I am a "Prehistoric Brootal Fuax Hip Hop Kid and ya know, that kind of does sum it up well.

Why the Media Sighs

2008-09-23T12:36:00.000-04:00

We want to promote
sexism,
racism,
environmentalism,
terrorism,
capitalism,
individualism,
nudism,
skepticism,
radicalism,
voyeurism,
traditionalism,
moralism,
totalitarianism,
escapism,
zombiism,
but most importantly
we want to promote nothingism.

We want something to catch our eye,
but not our mind.

We want to drool ourselves
off this planet.

We only want to listen.
We never want to question.

We are mostly whores,
some are pimps
and others are Johns,
but in the end we all get fucked.

No More Smoke (Part 2)

2008-09-21T18:18:00.009-04:00

Yeah, I didn't quit smoking, but I think that was an obvious outcome. I am not even sure if I believed I could quit. While I did want to quit a part of me does not want to. My guess is that's the part that's addicted to smoking. The price surely was an original motive, but that has seemed to fade as a reason. People get used to how things are after while. Paying $7.25 for my cigarettes does suck, but I guess it is just something I have to do for now.

For the longest time I have been threatening to buy my cigarettes off the internet, but I never seem to get around to it. I think the initial investment is what stops me. Obviously you have to buy at least one carton (10 packs), but in the end I would save money. It ends up costing nearly half the amount I pay in stores. The second reason I seem to avoid it is that the government seems to be cracking down on internet cigarette sales, since the state tax is avoided in the purchase. I've even heard of people having to pay all the state tax they avoided once the records of such companies were searched. To me, having to pay a large amount of taxes in the end would be a real bitch. I might as well just pay it right away. There is no escaping the government sometimes.

There is always the final and legal alternative to taxes on cigarettes, but that involves going to an Indian reservation. Let me first say, I have no idea where there even are reservations. I know they are out there, but I don't know where they are. I am sure after some search engine inquiry I could find a place, but then the second element comes in. Paying to drive there, with the spike in gas prices, would be a real bitch too. I mean, I would have to by several cartons in order for the trip to be worth it. That, right there, says there is no way I am going to quit smoking anytime soon. In some ways, that bothers me too. That is the real admittance of defeat right there; knowing you are bound to your addiction and that there is no way you are going to stop smoking.

One, small, but final reason is there is some sort of persona involved with smoking. Whether it is the rebel, sexy, artsy, or plain American pop-culture is up for debate. There is something about it though that draws me. I am not sure exactly what, but it is something. Increasingly smoking is beginning to be seen as a social annoyance, though, as distortions of the truth about second hand smoke is revealed. I don't believe everything I read about second hand smoke, but I do believe some of it.

Bottom line is: don't start smoking cause it will hurt your wallet the most.

photo used from Jasmin Cormier's collection on flickr.com

Back In NP

2008-08-27T00:39:00.008-04:00

All sort of odd and indifferent feelings have been rushing through me in my return to New Paltz. This is the last year of classes for me, although, I do have another semester after this school year that will pin me into a full-time internship. That isn't something I don't really mind being pinned to.

I guess I don't know what is really different here now. Maybe it is me? Maybe it is my house? Maybe it is my classes? Whatever it is, something just feels different. I suppose it should. I mean, I haven't stopped to write an entry in a while. Maybe things are just starting to slow down now? The commotion of summer is over and I guess I realize that. Right now there is a party in my house, but yet I would rather do school work (and this I suppose). Don't get me wrong, I like to party and get sloppy all over town, but not right now. I'm not sure what it is about me now. I think last year I would have been all over this. Now, I am just very distant.

I think the thought of romantic relationships still troubles me to some degree. I wouldn't mind being close to someone, well, I think I am now, but in different ways I guess. There seems to be paths I will not allow myself to explore for whatever reasons. There are some emotional walls in me that I think could rival the Berlin Wall.

Maybe it is just this book, Amusing Ourselves To Death: Public Discourse In The Age Of Show Business, I started reading for a course? It really is making me think about our society and how our culture is evolving. The presidential election is weighing heavily on my mind too, because I feel it is going to be the biggest reflection on where our society is. I swear, if McCain gets elected then we are a nation of fucking morons (at least a majority), but that is assuming the election does that get stolen as in the previous two. We all know Bush really shouldn't be president right now, besides the obvious reasons, he never really won.

The laughter rings loudest in silence.

Grab What You Call For

2008-07-29T00:14:00.002-04:00

The blank stare,
looking off
into someplace
somewhere.

There is nothing
to be seen,
only distortions
as fog consumes
our lungs.

On the boulder
of millions of pieces
the water rushes
to barely kiss
my feet.

Consuming the calm
begins to drain
all the colors
into a numbing cauldron.

Let it slip.
Let it feel real.
Let it be just right.
Let it only hold one truth.

No More Smoke (Part 1)

2008-07-26T23:01:00.010-04:00

Congratulations NY government officials, you have successfully prompted me to quit smoking. That is what you wanted when you raised the price of cigarettes to $1.50 more per pack? Actually, I doubt they really give a shit about people smoking. This is just another way for them to make money on a "vice product". Fuck them, but they did get me to quit. At least for the moment I am attempting it.

The price was truly the first thing that really triggered it in me, but then I started to think about all of the other reasons that I want to quit. I don't know if my health is really the biggest reason, though, since I know it is bad for me. The whole ciggarette lifestyle was just starting to drain on me. Always having to reach for a cig at certain "triggers" I would have. Yes, sometimes it was enjoyable, but I guess other times it just really isn't.

All in all I would say I have a love hate relationship with cigarettes. Not being able to run/jog for more than a minute is a little disappointing. Isn't this early '20s of my age supposed to be when I am in my best shape? I don't feel like I am. I used to do a lot more things that kept me active. Then again, that was before I ever had a car. It seems that owning a car is the first step to becoming less active. The rest of the active things you do just seem to follow.

There just some times when I REALLY want a cigarette. After a meal I think has to be the most. It is hard to eat when I know I am going to fiend a cigarette when I am done. Alcohol and highly caffeinated beverages (coffee and energy drinks) I would say are tied for second place in the triggers. Then, I guess it would be driving. Almost every time I get into my car I have to have a smoke.

Now avoiding a lot of this stuff is rather hard. I have to eat, so that is not going to change. Coffee I can cut back on, but I work at a damn cafe at the moment. It is kind of difficult to not drink coffee when you work at a cafe. I really love Red Bull too, but I could stop that. The only problem is that I really need some sort of highly caffeinated beverage during the day to really function properly. Can't run a car on just fumes forever. Drinking alcohol is more of a social thing too. It would be too weird to just sit there and not drink anything when my friends are pounding them away.

Above all, I think the constant mental battle is the worst. My mind is saying, "Just smoke a fucking a cigarette already!" My heart is saying, "Don't even think about wasting more of your money on that shit that is going to kill you anyway...you are better than that!" The mind versus the heart is an interesting battle and one that is not easy to predict the winner. My mother and grandfather both gave up smoking for me when I was born, so for me smoking just sort of feels like me slapping them in the face. On top of that, my mom's mother died from smoking. I seem to be surround by influences to not smoke. Tom's mom had to stop smoking recently or she would have died. My aunt also has physical problems from smoking and she can't smoke anymore. Yet, there is still a part of me that wants a cig.

I guess I just feel, "Yeah, I know it could hurt me or even kill me, but aren't you going to die eventually anyway?" I guess I shouldn't have that be the reason I do though.

I am nearing the end of day 3 of being smoke free and it is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Smoking becomes a part of you and you become a part of smoking. There is a piece of me missing, but maybe that is a piece I don't want to keep? Well, I think it would be a piece I would be better off without.

Fuck, I do want a cigarette though.

Relationship Status and All the Bullshit Behind It

2008-07-13T21:11:00.005-04:00

To this day I still don't see what is the big thrill about having a relationship status. Everyone craves this thing, well, enough people seem to. Girls don't want to just be around you and have a good time. They want a commitment. The days of free love and enjoying life see to have come and gone. Didn't we learn anything from the hippie generation? Although a committed relationship does have positive aspects, I am just not sold on this need to see it is a necessity.

Now, most girls seem to want a "title" before they let you in their pants. At least, that is what they hope to happen. They want you to commit to them before you have sex. Then they can tell their friends, "Yeah, I was fucking my boyfriend," when they need an explanation for the moans coming out your room's window at 1 am. For some reason girls seem to feel less slutty after they get the title. Somehow they think dating a lot of people doesn't look slutty though? {I am not one to judge how someone lives, because it is up to them.} I have only dated a few people. Since I was 14 I have dated 4 people. I have slept with more than 4 people, but I don't see anything wrong with that. This whole concept of dating seems completely wrong. When I date someone, they are truly the only person I could see myself being with in the future. Sure if something goes sour it will end, but I don't date someone without the full intent for being with them as long as possible. It is a commitment that I don't take lightly, but most people seem to. It is like, "Well, I want to fuck you, so I guess I should date you."

I guess causal sex died off with the rampid spread of STDs and HIV, but people still get them in relationships. The jury is out on that one being a factor. It is just that maybe casual sex is a paradox to some people in some ways. Pleasure is pleasure to me. Shouldn't people just enjoy themselves and stop taking things so seriously? Love, really, has nothing to do with sex.

*EDIT: For all the slack I have gotten from people about this post, it is funny to see that I didn't get any comments. You can tell me if you think I am a moron in the comment portion of this. All responses welcomed, well, most at least. I don't know about the one where the girl "wanted to stab me in the face with scissors" after she read it.

22 Years Celebrated

2008-07-10T20:37:00.003-04:00

Turning 22 was a somewhat odd feeling. Turning 16,18, and 21 all have cool things attached, so you are always looking forward to the next step. Reaching 22 just sort of feels like the start to the rest of your life. A looming sense of responsibility is in the air as I sipped a beer with Jew (aka Dylan) in the bar.

I am not really a fan of my birthday and most people close to me know that. I just don't like celebrating me. It is just a weird feeling to me. Everyone all going, "Like, OMG, your day." I prefer the day after more. There are all these expectations about a birthday. You have to have this really amazing day and everyone tries for you to have this amazing day. I guess after my 21st birthday being my, potentially, worst birthday ever...I was sort of over the whole birthday phenomenon. Every time I went drinking since my 21st birthday has been better than that day. Now, I enjoy the after birthday more. When people stop making a fuss and life goes back to normal I am happy. Don't get me wrong, presents are always a good thing!

Digressing back to the man point, I feel this overwhelming sense of adulthood now. Things aren't quite the way they used to be, but I guess in a lot of ways I have grown-up. At least I have got smarter about life's turmoils and challenges. That sort of stuff I think you just have to learn as you go along. Shit, I have done a lot of things. Live life to the fullest and if you fuck something up, oh well, you probably won't do it again.

Losing the Pen

2008-06-05T02:54:00.007-04:00

This year I have wrote very little poems thus far. Considering it just became the sixth month and I don't even have six poems yet, I am rather disappointed. I'm not really sure what the reasoning is for this, but I really need to buckle down sometime soon and get writing. Although, I usually just write when the urge comes to me and that has been the problem.

My creative juices seem to have been somewhat drained recently. I'm not totally sure why, but I do have a few ideas. Maybe I just don't have the same passion for poetry? Well, I feel like I do, but maybe I just don't want to admit my decline is intentional. Well, to some degree at least. All I want to do is write something, yet I never sit in front of that screen and start pounding the keys into my broken prose.

Lately I have seem to fit other hobbies into my lifestyle. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare has begun to play an enormous role in my life. Well, it has been for a while now. I never really saw myself as the "gamer" type, but apparently I have become one to some degree. What drives me to want to play it so addictively I am not too sure of. I guess it is the feeling that I am doing something that has tangible results, but in reality it doesn't. That is the magic of video games. To create a reality where you can be whomever and whatever you want. Life might suck, but at least you have an 'escape'. I guess that is still a better escape than going down various other routes that lead to needles and whore houses. We all need to escape sometimes.

With me, I used to escape through my writing. I realize that now. It is one of those things people say it is (you know, all those English teachers toting books over fast-paced movies and internet porn), but you don't really know what it is till you stop doing it. The question is now, so how do I continue my current paths of escapism?

The Downward Spiral

2008-03-29T23:01:00.008-04:00

A downward spiral seems to explain how events in my life have been going. For some reason things are starting to crumble around me. The walls seem to be closing in and opportunities seem to be closing up. I know that partly I am to blame.

Procrastination is my enemy. I had problems in the past, but lately this seems to be a serious issue. I lack any sort of real motivation to complete college assignments. The course A Little Rebellion I will now have to withdraw from. Basically, it's a literature of journalism or creative non-fiction course. Doing creative things is rather draining for me now. I'm not sure if it is the damn blue pills I take for anxiety. Mental illness, if you want to call it that, is a very tricky thing. I've had my depression phase for a year or so. I've almost killed myself. I'm still here and sometimes I wonder how. We all go through shit I suppose. That is what has made me stronger in the end. All I want to do is make it through this semester at SUNY New Paltz now.

If realizing you were completely fucking up a class you should have got an easy B+ in isn't bad enough, my girlfriend and I have separated. Love is to strange to understand, so I don't try to most of the time. We fought, we fucked, we laughed and we cried. I think when I told her, "you can go fuck yourself," that was probably a good sign of what we had become. She would harp (according to me) how I am an only child and I just have a 'different' approach to things. This approach, to her, was not a positive one either. I hate when someone puts down how I was raised for a reason towards how I am. Basically I am laid back. I don't harp on a lot of things. In a sense, I'm like a stoner that never smokes. Not that I couldn't, because I could have tonight. With all that I know, I feel like I 'loved' this girl. In fact I still feel like I do. Sometimes I guess things just aren't so black and white though. There is an area of gray that we never truly understand.

My friend just called me to come out and drink, but at the moment I feel like a piece of ectoplasmic waste. I know I shouldn't be, but damn, I just got out of a relationship I was in for eight months. Sure, it is not that long, but I would say it is substantial. Drinking I think might be part of my recent procrastination problems. Thursday night, I go out and slosh around the dance floor to 'gay' 80's music. Guys are making out with guys. Girls are pressed up against the wall with some sleazy man groping her ass. Life is good. Accept the day after I drink I tend to get nothing done. There goes Friday. Then Saturday I wake up late, eat dinner and go out and drink. There goes Sunday. Something is telling me a need to get a hold of this cycle. Sure, we all have our vices. Mine seems to be alcohol and cigarettes. Having a vice seems to keep people sane. We all need to have something harmful so that we don't do ourselves anymore harm than those vices. The negative thing is when those vices are life consuming and harm all aspects. That's when we call it an addiction.

Time to make a call and then drink some cheap ass beer. Life goes on I guess, so fill up my cup. I'm ready for whatever is going to come next. Well, I hope I am.

Introreduction

2008-03-26T16:44:00.003-04:00

This blog, or series of reflections, I started to capture my life. Hopefully this isn't the normal hum-drum series of entries you can find on countless other meaningless blogs. In a way, consider this a memoir that is slowing flooding out in front of you. I will be rather blunt and honest here, so that is way I attached the "adult warning" to this page. I don't know what I will be talking about, but I don't want to be at fault for saying it.

The title "Your Famous When Your Dead" I choose, because every famous writer, for the most part, becomes famous when their dead. That is when you study them in academia and they are considered to have some sort of substance. All writers face the challenge of making money on their work while they are alive, although, this will make me no money. In time I hope to compile these entries, after tortuously editing, into a book. Consider this the raw meat to the uncooked patty.

If you are ready to begin this journey with me, then continue reading. Otherwise go read some article in Teen Vouge, because I don't give a fuck either way. Anyone who continues reading my entires is most likely who should. In the end, I am writing it for me.