A Journalist's New Years Resolution

I just finished reading the Columbia Journalism Review's story "The Hamster Wheel" that any journalist or someone who is interested in how their news is selected should read. The 24/7 news cycle and technology growth is truly shaping the news industry, but the media often times is just not accepting the evolution. Any reporter and journalism student know that fact.

This led me to hop onto their website, after carefully holding the print edition, where I stumbled across their blurb Media New Year's Resolutions. I think the first paragraph just rings so true.

No point giving up dark chocolate, red wine, or blacker-than-black coffee. We’re journalists. We’d last a week. Max.

If I've learned one thing about being a reporter, it is your diet tends to suffer. There is a mix of rapid fast food stops and coffee binges, while puffing done another cigarette to make it through the day.  I think if I had a resolution it would be to not eat so, well, unhealthy.  Oh, and maybe get some more sleep, but that might be asking for too much.

I'm sure some of my problems are my own fault.  Procrastination has been an ongoing problem for me. I'll never forget taking one of those tests online and coming up with the status "severe procrastinator," but the results are always the same for me.  I'm not sure why I am this way, but I think I have been making some stride in that category.

Making a New Year's resolution though I now view as a curse. I never am able to keep any resolution I make, so in many ways I think it is damning to make it in the first place. In some superstitious way, I don't want to damn myself in an area I want to make an improvement. For instance, last year my resolution was to take better care of my teeth, which my dentist was pleased to hear. Well, lets just say that didn't turn out quite how I planned.

Well, I already had some coffee, chocolate and a cigarette today, so I think I am off to a pretty nice start.

Pondering the WoW side of life

For a while now I've been debating to purchase World of Warcraft.  During college I knew I couldn't play it.  I've heard the horror stories when people went that route.  Besides, I think I know my own limits.  I played Call of Duty a ton, but I still managed to graduate with honors — so, you can game and be successful.

Since I've graduated college I've been looking for a job for several months and gaming often has came back into the picture.  I guess I just feel like I am accomplishing something when I play video games, but in reality I am not really accomplishing anything tangible.  There are many other things I could be doing, such as actually updating my blogs.  Lately, I've been trying to find ways to get paid for writing I do.  I did find a few avenues for that, so updating blogs almost seemed like a waste of time.

Now the real question seems to be whether I should finally allow myself to play WoW.  I always try to weigh the pros and cons of situations.  The biggest con seems to be my girlfriend would probably be extremely pissed at me.  For the most part, that has kept me from thinking about it.  Also, the reccuring monthly fee isn't something I am crazy about either.  I am spoiled cause I play PS3 online for free while other people pay fees for Xbox, but that is a whole different debate.

Do I really take the jump?  The desire to play WoW seems to be more of an impulsive thing for me.  After a little while I don't care as much anymore to play the game.  I don't think I have ever really been addicted to a game or gaming either.  If I was addicted to gaming then how did I graduate college?  I think that would have been impossible.

Yes, I play video games more than I might like to admit, but does anything really negative come out of it?  I'm sure there is probably something, but nothing overly drastic yet.  I just find it to be a very relaxing and stimulating hobby.  I guess that is why it has overtaken many of my other hobbies.  I have an addictive personality at times, so that is why I should have never started smoking.

Well, I don't really want to play WoW anymore, now that I took the time to write all this.  I guess I should play the games I have for PS3 first, because I still have games that are unopened.  Sometimes I just can't pass up a good deal, because there is always some time in the future I am sure I can fit it in.

Actually, I think a part of me still wants to play it.

Does this thing ever get updated?

My problem seems to be that I don't find the time or effort to write and update my blogs.  Before it was college and then it was the internship and now it is the job search.  Also, I very rarely do anything on the internet in the summer...I like to think of it as my digital vacation.  You should try taking an extended break or drastic reduction of time from the digital world.  It is really rather refreshing.

In the beginning of winter I found myself in a sort of gloomy state.  It probably didn't help that during my internship I was in the Empire State Plaza Concourse in an office that had no windows.  As the air grew colder the amount of sunlight I saw shrunk.  When I walked to work I saw the sunrise and when I left work I saw the sunset.  Of course a few smoking breaks I would take outside, but those were really minimal times outside at best.

Then my anxiety seemed to worsen slowly as my internship ended.  I'm not totally sure of all the reasons why, but I think I know a few of them.  It is hard to really convey to someone else what it is like to live with an anxiety disorder — something that you struggle to control.  I've said before that sometimes I just wish I was normal and didn't have to deal with it, but then I remind myself that I could be far worse off and to be thankful for all the positive things in my life I do have.

How this all relates to writing, I don't know.  I wish I did more of it.  A lot more of it.  I should probably do what Howie Good said in class before — set aside a designated time to write each day and all you can do is write for the full amount of time.  It would probably do me some good.  There are just so many other distractions and things to do that it can be hard to focus.  Also, as a journalist I tend to do a lot of writing anyway, but not writing that is really for me.

I really miss writing poetry, but a part of me feels that I just can't do it anymore.  The driving force that was there before just doesn't seem to be there anymore.  I'm not really sure why, but that just seems to be the way it is.  I'm sure I could change this, but I have never been when to force writing.  I just did it when it came to me and maybe that is the problem.  I might need to coax the writing essence to come out of me a little more than I do currently.

It just seems to be such a damn busy world out there.

The Loss of a Loved One

When my grandfather on my Dad's side passed away it was truly tough, because I had never dealt with the loss of someone I was close to before. That was less than two years ago now. It seems like yesterday in some ways. Now, my grandmother on my Dad's side has passed away. It all seemed to happen very fast.

My Mother's parents passed away before I was ever born, so I never met them. Now, both of my Dad's parents have passed away, so now I have no living grandparents. That is a really weird feeling. I didn't really expect it to happen this soon. They both passed away while I was at New Paltz, even though now I am in Albany doing my internship currently. Both of them were so proud of me for going to college and getting as far as I have gotten. I wish they both could have seen me graduate, because they have truly been a big inspiration for me. I would always think of them when the going got tough. I got strength through them. I don't think that is going to change either.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this entry. I just felt like something needed to be said. It doesn't seem to get that much easier to deal with even though I have went through it once before. It took me a little while to go through the motions last time, but I feel like I am mentally dealing with it a little sooner this time. It just didn't seem real when it happened last time. This time I saw my grandmother in the hospital hours before she passed away.

I'm glad she opened her eyes and saw me before I left. I don't think I will ever forget that moment. There was just something powerful shared between us without her even saying anything. Now it is just how I move on from this loss, but I will have to figure that out as I go along.

Getting Thrown Into the Deep End

The first week of my journalism internship is over and the second week is going to start tomorrow. It was a rather sticky and unusual first week. No orientation — no introduction. Just start typing and get going on some stories. Made for an interesting first week.

I never thought on my first day I would be calling up Assemblymen and starting to type out a story, but it was rather interesting. Later I found out the desk I choose that day would be mine for the rest of the semester. That is okay I guess, because I do like where I am sitting, although, I feel it slightly isolates me from the editors. Random how where you sit really affects your daily work life. I get selected, well, never, to do any stories that arise. I have to go to my editors and ask for more work. I think that will change soon, but maybe not? Maybe it doesn't have to do with where I am sitting either?

The cafeteria in the concourse, though, has pretty damn good food. I've said it is even the best meal I eat all day. Might be a little more costly, but I think it is worth it. Guess I just got to see how my expenses start to sort out as time goes on. On a side note, I wouldn't mind getting HDTV too. I think it is only like $10 more a month — but I digress. So far I am still trying to not have that much caffeine, so that is hard at times. I just have to make sure I get enough sleep every night and I am usually pretty good. Still got my cigarettes.

I already know one story I am going to be working on next week and I am really excited about it. So far, I haven't seen any other news source covering the story I am working on. Should be pretty cool if it stays that way and I get my story out first. I wouldn't be surprised if other news sources then followed me.

I hope your summer was good everyone, but now it is time to get back to work.

The Summer Dilemma

It seems like whenever it is the summer I get faced with the same thing — I don't get anything constructive done.

I don't know why, but I don't seem to ever want to do anything. Right now my main concern is just trying to find I job. That is a huge pain in the ass. Even though I am about to graduate with a BA in journalism I probably still won't be "qualified" enough for a job behind a register. Every job I have ever gotten was cause I knew someone. I never really got hired for just me. That seems to be the way the world goes — you gotta know someone. Then again, if you know nobody, that might say something about your social skills. Oh well, whatever.

I have a lot of little things that I want to get done this summer. This happens every summer during the last few years. I got books I want to read, games to beat, songs to finish, bands to start and other various hobbies to pursue. Usually, barely any of it gets one (well the video game one probably will). Damn, now I can't even find my lighter. Okay, it was right next to the keyboard. Time to smoke.

One thing I do a lot during the summer though is drink. I'm not really sure why this happens. I don't get sloshed every night (actually, rarely ever), but I do drink almost every night. Usually around 3-4 beers over a few hours. During college I drank like once a week. Now, this happens pretty much every summer the last few years, but it is kinda weird. At least my tolerance gets built up I suppose?

Even doing things like writing in this blog never seem to get done. Maybe I take it too seriously. That could be a problem. I just take too many things too seriously. Or maybe I am lazy. But how I am lazy if I am about to graduate from college. I do procrastinate — I know that.

I'm pretty sure my credit score must be horrible.

You Gotta Feel It Man

"Some days I just really feel like a journalist." -Me

That was something that just really got me thinking. Why do I feel more like a journalist on certain days? Does it have to do with something that happened to me? Is there something that angered or frustrated me? Does it have to do with what I have been reading or watching? Maybe it is what I choose to wear? Could it really just be in the coffee?


Hunter S. Thompson really sparks me, I do know that. It always helps to read/study/observe those you idle. Although, I do not want to be the next Hunter S. Thompson. That would be pretty foolish...cause who the fuck could really be him, shit!

Well, whatever the answer is, maybe a mixture of them all, it seems I just feel more like a journalist at certain times. I have been falling further and further into becoming my major — which I hope you know after that long rant — journalism. I am finding myself welcoming and embracing the thought of being a journalist. I guess I am getting the feeling that I have chosen what is right for me. My biggest fear is that I am not going to amount to something on a grand scale. Not that I want to be famous, I don't feel that is really the word I would be going for, nor what I am striving for. "Famous" seems to involve a lot of dirty, shoe licking and puss sucking. Being well known, or at least well respected within a certain group, is all I really am striving for.

"Book people drink tea — Journalists drink coffee...and sometimes alcohol."

I feel like that quote is probably a mixture of a few real quotes. I like to think I added the "and sometimes alcohol" to the quote first, but who knows. I am still amazed how the "old school" journalist could pound down coffee during the day and pound down their liquor even harder at night. Yeah, and this is like every day.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

No More Smoke (Part 2)

Yeah, I didn't quit smoking, but I think that was an obvious outcome. I am not even sure if I believed I could quit. While I did want to quit a part of me does not want to. My guess is that's the part that's addicted to smoking. The price surely was an original motive, but that has seemed to fade as a reason. People get used to how things are after while. Paying $7.25 for my cigarettes does suck, but I guess it is just something I have to do for now.

For the longest time I have been threatening to buy my cigarettes off the internet, but I never seem to get around to it. I think the initial investment is what stops me. Obviously you have to buy at least one carton (10 packs), but in the end I would save money. It ends up costing nearly half the amount I pay in stores. The second reason I seem to avoid it is that the government seems to be cracking down on internet cigarette sales, since the state tax is avoided in the purchase. I've even heard of people having to pay all the state tax they avoided once the records of such companies were searched. To me, having to pay a large amount of taxes in the end would be a real bitch. I might as well just pay it right away. There is no escaping the government sometimes.

There is always the final and legal alternative to taxes on cigarettes, but that involves going to an Indian reservation. Let me first say, I have no idea where there even are reservations. I know they are out there, but I don't know where they are. I am sure after some search engine inquiry I could find a place, but then the second element comes in. Paying to drive there, with the spike in gas prices, would be a real bitch too. I mean, I would have to by several cartons in order for the trip to be worth it. That, right there, says there is no way I am going to quit smoking anytime soon. In some ways, that bothers me too. That is the real admittance of defeat right there; knowing you are bound to your addiction and that there is no way you are going to stop smoking.

One, small, but final reason is there is some sort of persona involved with smoking. Whether it is the rebel, sexy, artsy, or plain American pop-culture is up for debate. There is something about it though that draws me. I am not sure exactly what, but it is something. Increasingly smoking is beginning to be seen as a social annoyance, though, as distortions of the truth about second hand smoke is revealed. I don't believe everything I read about second hand smoke, but I do believe some of it.

Bottom line is: don't start smoking cause it will hurt your wallet the most.


photo used from Jasmin Cormier's collection on flickr.com

Back In NP

All sort of odd and indifferent feelings have been rushing through me in my return to New Paltz. This is the last year of classes for me, although, I do have another semester after this school year that will pin me into a full-time internship. That isn't something I don't really mind being pinned to.

I guess I don't know what is really different here now. Maybe it is me? Maybe it is my house? Maybe it is my classes? Whatever it is, something just feels different. I suppose it should. I mean, I haven't stopped to write an entry in a while. Maybe things are just starting to slow down now? The commotion of summer is over and I guess I realize that. Right now there is a party in my house, but yet I would rather do school work (and this I suppose). Don't get me wrong, I like to party and get sloppy all over town, but not right now. I'm not sure what it is about me now. I think last year I would have been all over this. Now, I am just very distant.

I think the thought of romantic relationships still troubles me to some degree. I wouldn't mind being close to someone, well, I think I am now, but in different ways I guess. There seems to be paths I will not allow myself to explore for whatever reasons. There are some emotional walls in me that I think could rival the Berlin Wall.

Maybe it is just this book, Amusing Ourselves To Death: Public Discourse In The Age Of Show Business, I started reading for a course? It really is making me think about our society and how our culture is evolving. The presidential election is weighing heavily on my mind too, because I feel it is going to be the biggest reflection on where our society is. I swear, if McCain gets elected then we are a nation of fucking morons (at least a majority), but that is assuming the election does that get stolen as in the previous two. We all know Bush really shouldn't be president right now, besides the obvious reasons, he never really won.

The laughter rings loudest in silence.

No More Smoke (Part 1)

Congratulations NY government officials, you have successfully prompted me to quit smoking. That is what you wanted when you raised the price of cigarettes to $1.50 more per pack? Actually, I doubt they really give a shit about people smoking. This is just another way for them to make money on a "vice product". Fuck them, but they did get me to quit. At least for the moment I am attempting it.

The price was truly the first thing that really triggered it in me, but then I started to think about all of the other reasons that I want to quit. I don't know if my health is really the biggest reason, though, since I know it is bad for me. The whole ciggarette lifestyle was just starting to drain on me. Always having to reach for a cig at certain "triggers" I would have. Yes, sometimes it was enjoyable, but I guess other times it just really isn't.

All in all I would say I have a love hate relationship with cigarettes. Not being able to run/jog for more than a minute is a little disappointing. Isn't this early '20s of my age supposed to be when I am in my best shape? I don't feel like I am. I used to do a lot more things that kept me active. Then again, that was before I ever had a car. It seems that owning a car is the first step to becoming less active. The rest of the active things you do just seem to follow.

There just some times when I REALLY want a cigarette. After a meal I think has to be the most. It is hard to eat when I know I am going to fiend a cigarette when I am done. Alcohol and highly caffeinated beverages (coffee and energy drinks) I would say are tied for second place in the triggers. Then, I guess it would be driving. Almost every time I get into my car I have to have a smoke.

Now avoiding a lot of this stuff is rather hard. I have to eat, so that is not going to change. Coffee I can cut back on, but I work at a damn cafe at the moment. It is kind of difficult to not drink coffee when you work at a cafe. I really love Red Bull too, but I could stop that. The only problem is that I really need some sort of highly caffeinated beverage during the day to really function properly. Can't run a car on just fumes forever. Drinking alcohol is more of a social thing too. It would be too weird to just sit there and not drink anything when my friends are pounding them away.

Above all, I think the constant mental battle is the worst. My mind is saying, "Just smoke a fucking a cigarette already!" My heart is saying, "Don't even think about wasting more of your money on that shit that is going to kill you anyway...you are better than that!" The mind versus the heart is an interesting battle and one that is not easy to predict the winner. My mother and grandfather both gave up smoking for me when I was born, so for me smoking just sort of feels like me slapping them in the face. On top of that, my mom's mother died from smoking. I seem to be surround by influences to not smoke. Tom's mom had to stop smoking recently or she would have died. My aunt also has physical problems from smoking and she can't smoke anymore. Yet, there is still a part of me that wants a cig.

I guess I just feel, "Yeah, I know it could hurt me or even kill me, but aren't you going to die eventually anyway?" I guess I shouldn't have that be the reason I do though.

I am nearing the end of day 3 of being smoke free and it is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Smoking becomes a part of you and you become a part of smoking. There is a piece of me missing, but maybe that is a piece I don't want to keep? Well, I think it would be a piece I would be better off without.

Fuck, I do want a cigarette though.