Grab What You Call For

The blank stare,
looking off
into someplace
somewhere.

There is nothing
to be seen,
only distortions
as fog consumes
our lungs.

On the boulder
of millions of pieces
the water rushes
to barely kiss
my feet.


Consuming the calm
begins to drain
all the colors
into a numbing cauldron.

Let it slip.
Let it feel real.
Let it be just right.
Let it only hold one truth.

No More Smoke (Part 1)

Congratulations NY government officials, you have successfully prompted me to quit smoking. That is what you wanted when you raised the price of cigarettes to $1.50 more per pack? Actually, I doubt they really give a shit about people smoking. This is just another way for them to make money on a "vice product". Fuck them, but they did get me to quit. At least for the moment I am attempting it.

The price was truly the first thing that really triggered it in me, but then I started to think about all of the other reasons that I want to quit. I don't know if my health is really the biggest reason, though, since I know it is bad for me. The whole ciggarette lifestyle was just starting to drain on me. Always having to reach for a cig at certain "triggers" I would have. Yes, sometimes it was enjoyable, but I guess other times it just really isn't.

All in all I would say I have a love hate relationship with cigarettes. Not being able to run/jog for more than a minute is a little disappointing. Isn't this early '20s of my age supposed to be when I am in my best shape? I don't feel like I am. I used to do a lot more things that kept me active. Then again, that was before I ever had a car. It seems that owning a car is the first step to becoming less active. The rest of the active things you do just seem to follow.

There just some times when I REALLY want a cigarette. After a meal I think has to be the most. It is hard to eat when I know I am going to fiend a cigarette when I am done. Alcohol and highly caffeinated beverages (coffee and energy drinks) I would say are tied for second place in the triggers. Then, I guess it would be driving. Almost every time I get into my car I have to have a smoke.

Now avoiding a lot of this stuff is rather hard. I have to eat, so that is not going to change. Coffee I can cut back on, but I work at a damn cafe at the moment. It is kind of difficult to not drink coffee when you work at a cafe. I really love Red Bull too, but I could stop that. The only problem is that I really need some sort of highly caffeinated beverage during the day to really function properly. Can't run a car on just fumes forever. Drinking alcohol is more of a social thing too. It would be too weird to just sit there and not drink anything when my friends are pounding them away.

Above all, I think the constant mental battle is the worst. My mind is saying, "Just smoke a fucking a cigarette already!" My heart is saying, "Don't even think about wasting more of your money on that shit that is going to kill you anyway...you are better than that!" The mind versus the heart is an interesting battle and one that is not easy to predict the winner. My mother and grandfather both gave up smoking for me when I was born, so for me smoking just sort of feels like me slapping them in the face. On top of that, my mom's mother died from smoking. I seem to be surround by influences to not smoke. Tom's mom had to stop smoking recently or she would have died. My aunt also has physical problems from smoking and she can't smoke anymore. Yet, there is still a part of me that wants a cig.

I guess I just feel, "Yeah, I know it could hurt me or even kill me, but aren't you going to die eventually anyway?" I guess I shouldn't have that be the reason I do though.

I am nearing the end of day 3 of being smoke free and it is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Smoking becomes a part of you and you become a part of smoking. There is a piece of me missing, but maybe that is a piece I don't want to keep? Well, I think it would be a piece I would be better off without.

Fuck, I do want a cigarette though.

Relationship Status and All the Bullshit Behind It

To this day I still don't see what is the big thrill about having a relationship status. Everyone craves this thing, well, enough people seem to. Girls don't want to just be around you and have a good time. They want a commitment. The days of free love and enjoying life see to have come and gone. Didn't we learn anything from the hippie generation? Although a committed relationship does have positive aspects, I am just not sold on this need to see it is a necessity.

Now, most girls seem to want a "title" before they let you in their pants. At least, that is what they hope to happen. They want you to commit to them before you have sex. Then they can tell their friends, "Yeah, I was fucking my boyfriend," when they need an explanation for the moans coming out your room's window at 1 am. For some reason girls seem to feel less slutty after they get the title. Somehow they think dating a lot of people doesn't look slutty though? {I am not one to judge how someone lives, because it is up to them.} I have only dated a few people. Since I was 14 I have dated 4 people. I have slept with more than 4 people, but I don't see anything wrong with that. This whole concept of dating seems completely wrong. When I date someone, they are truly the only person I could see myself being with in the future. Sure if something goes sour it will end, but I don't date someone without the full intent for being with them as long as possible. It is a commitment that I don't take lightly, but most people seem to. It is like, "Well, I want to fuck you, so I guess I should date you."

I guess causal sex died off with the rampid spread of STDs and HIV, but people still get them in relationships. The jury is out on that one being a factor. It is just that maybe casual sex is a paradox to some people in some ways. Pleasure is pleasure to me. Shouldn't people just enjoy themselves and stop taking things so seriously? Love, really, has nothing to do with sex.

*EDIT: For all the slack I have gotten from people about this post, it is funny to see that I didn't get any comments. You can tell me if you think I am a moron in the comment portion of this. All responses welcomed, well, most at least. I don't know about the one where the girl "wanted to stab me in the face with scissors" after she read it.

22 Years Celebrated

Turning 22 was a somewhat odd feeling. Turning 16,18, and 21 all have cool things attached, so you are always looking forward to the next step. Reaching 22 just sort of feels like the start to the rest of your life. A looming sense of responsibility is in the air as I sipped a beer with Jew (aka Dylan) in the bar.

I am not really a fan of my birthday and most people close to me know that. I just don't like celebrating me. It is just a weird feeling to me. Everyone all going, "Like, OMG, your day." I prefer the day after more. There are all these expectations about a birthday. You have to have this really amazing day and everyone tries for you to have this amazing day. I guess after my 21st birthday being my, potentially, worst birthday ever...I was sort of over the whole birthday phenomenon. Every time I went drinking since my 21st birthday has been better than that day. Now, I enjoy the after birthday more. When people stop making a fuss and life goes back to normal I am happy. Don't get me wrong, presents are always a good thing!

Digressing back to the man point, I feel this overwhelming sense of adulthood now. Things aren't quite the way they used to be, but I guess in a lot of ways I have grown-up. At least I have got smarter about life's turmoils and challenges. That sort of stuff I think you just have to learn as you go along. Shit, I have done a lot of things. Live life to the fullest and if you fuck something up, oh well, you probably won't do it again.